Defeat tr.v. de·feat·ed, de·feat·ing, de·feats
1. To win victory over; beat.
2. To prevent the success of; thwart
3. Law To make void; annul.
n
1. The act of defeating or state of being defeated.
2. Failure to win.
3. A coming to naught; frustration
4. Law The act of making null and void.
After receiving that disappointing email 2 days ago, I'd been trying to console/encourage/motivate myself. But it's tough. Although I know getting the SRS is not everything and it was only meant to be a "bonus", I can't help but feel that without it, I'm not as worthy as a person. Perhaps it's simply the feeling of being rejected or perhaps it's the uncertainty that now shrouds the final outcome of the hons application. I don't know. All I know is that I have to pick myself up again and NOT give up this fight. I have to stop telling myself that I'm not good enough that's why I was rejected. It is exactly this kinda statements that damages your self-confidence/esteem.
Deep inside, I know, I have friends who did hons without the SRS and friends who graduated without hons. And of course I know, that both, while is a good thing to have, does not define me as a person. Of course I fucking know that. But I just don't want it to be an excuse of my failure. I don't want to be one of those people who didn't do well in school and brags, "grades aren't everything". NO. I came here with 2 very clear aims in mind - go on exchange to US and get a hons. No fancy scholarships, no Year-In-Japan Year-In-Japan, no gf, nothing of those sort. Exchange and hons. That's it. That's all I ask of myself. The first target's down and now it's about nailing that second and final one.
LX was right when she said, "there's more opportunities out there." There's still the JSGSS and the Nihongo Summit. If the main dish is simply to get hons, then such stuff are just complimentary side dishes to make the meal a better one. With or without 'em, I'm certain my meal will still be fulfilling. Most importantly, I'd tried. Better to try and fail rather than not trying at all isn't it? :)
Meanwhile, the mid-semester break is finally here. I have about 2 weeks of spare time to gear up for the final 3 weeks and the final exams. 2 weeks of preparation to further secure my target. I must make full use of these 2 weeks. Let's see, finish the final 作文, interview the candidates for the Japanese Oral Presentation, then write the script and design the presentation for the same assignment, start and finish a 3-5 paged paper on 勇気と平和 (Courage & Peace), start revision for WJD and continue the JLPT preparation. Fuck. I need to draw up a plan to make sure I manage this 2 weeks well. If I don't want it to be my last school holiday, then I should better do stuff to ensure it won't be.
Okay. I think I feel better lashing out my feelings online. :) Time to prepare lunch. Having last night's leftovers. Brian and I had a small cookout last night. He cooked stir-fry pork with sliced potatoes in 武汉 (Wuhan) style while I cooked 닭도리탕 (Dakdoritang), spicy chicken and potato stew. Think I'd fry and an egg for lunch as well. Volunteering for Nara Candle Festival later. Winds have been hovering between 40-50 km/h today. I hope it dies down when we start lighting the candles later. Then tomorrow I'm helping out at the Singapore High Commission for Singapore Community Day. Oh, and Zhiqi is coming down from Melbourne today. It'd be good to see him. Haven't seen him since... gosh! Our days at Selarang Camp!
Should be a good weekend. Will be bringing my deeninety along. Watch out for the pics!
Kudos to Getty for providing the image.
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