That void inside me

Yes bro, you're uber right. I'm jealous of you. Perhaps jealous is too strong a word but while I think of the for apt word to replace, let's just stick with jealous ya? First of, my parents. I just vomitted to my sister last night over MSN on what I said that fateful night. Well, perhaps this is what I am:

1. I don't miss home.
2. That's because I never termed that address as a home.
3. I cannot, embark on a peace mission while being pissed.
4. I need time to cool off, time to be left untouched.
5. The minute they do it again, everything will reset.
6. I MUST feel like doing it.

See, even the thought of it makes my blood boil. Perhaps decades down the road, I'd learn to be appreciative of what they'd done for me. But right now, I'm just glad I don't have to see their face everyday. I have no idea why it has suddenly slipped into the awful state where I resent them as much as I did in secondary school. Perhaps they really pissed me off initially when they talked about money. I hate to talk to them about money especially my father who by the way is the most niao thing on this planet. Yes, while I completely understand it's for him to plan the future finances, WHY THE FUCK HE CANNOT STATE THE REASON WHEN HE SENT THAT FUCKING EMAIL?! If coming here means I've to comply to all his fucking wimps, then I rather be a lowly diploma holder and slog as a looser for the rest of my life. (Note: I don't mean that all diploma holders are loosers though. That's just my personal perception on myself.) Just because they want to book the arrangments at the NATAS fair means that I've to dig for information to confirm on my holiday dates? No way. Why should I make my life difficult to dig for such information when I, being the student don't even mark out my holidays? As far as I know, he'd already planned to go Perth way before this week. In fact, I suspect it's at the back of his head when he sent me here. If so, FOR GOD KNOW WHAT FUCKING REASONS, WHY CAN'T HE JUST CONFIRM WITH ME IN ADVANCE? INSTEAD OF RUSHING ME TO VERIFY THE DATES JUST BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID NATAS?! I know we're not royalties but if NATAS really save so much money, why can't he FUCKING plan in advance and tell me? Do I hear someone whisper, "surprise?" FUCK OFF LAH... If it's really so, he's a FUCKING looser ok? I am the sort of person who doesn't hesitate to blacklist you after uncovering your true colours and that's what's happening now. I've seen enough of his selfishness and niao-ness. I've given him too many "benefit of doubt" instances. My meter's in the red zone and he's really not helping.

It's not even autumn and they've given me enough troubles. I have my responsibility to do well (no, not because they'd spent a billion but for the sake of my own future) and I will do WHATEVER it takes to accomplish that. Of course, sometimes I do indulge myself in some luxuries (e.g. the Sydney trip). I know my mom misses me a lot, that's why she's so long-winded when she calls but I don't blame her for that (though I do admit it does get on my nerves sometimes). Is there a process in this world where something disintegrates only to restructure as something stronger? If so, I hope that's what happening to this dsyfunctional family of mine.

As such, I don't feel loved at all (except occasionally from my sister). Thus friends are very important people to me. My thorny relationship with Esther didn't helped at all too. In my words, here's what I said to my sister last night, "I'm a person who has plenty of love to give, and my only wish is for that one special person to reciprocate. For that one person to fill up the void, the vacuum that's been there." (The following might be gross if you picture it in your head so I'd gently suggest that you don't.) How often I yearn to bury myself into the bosom of the one and have her to assure me saying, "it's ok, for whatever happens, I still love you." Oh by the way, I'm a believer of "love happens". So yes, even it's as irrational as knowing a girl for a month, I believe it is still possible, especially when "you can't choose who you fall for". Plus, I've been programmed to defy the odds if that means doing it the way I want it to be.

Like I've said, I think you have an absolutely wonderful family plus an sweet relationiship with Fel and I'm glad you treasure it. I'm sorry if I'd shouted or even raised my voice at you at the touch of this topic. I really don't mean it. Maybe my threshold for such stuff isn't as high as others thus I'm reacting the way I'm reacting. Amidst the millions of maybes, I'm thankful for your wisdom on this issue. Like you'd always said, "we're different" and I think it's very obvious now but still, I'm thankful for the instances where you attempt to instil logic into my take on things. I'm sorry if I'd troubled you with my differences and that I might have failed to live up to your advises. But please, don't ever think I'm turning a deaf ear ok? Not when I take you as my pillar...

(most of this entry has been entered with maybe, a 'lil too much emotions so whoever's reading this, please, take it with a pinch of salt.)