Tried, but I still can't stop thinking of you

[Lifehouse - You And Me]

Something gushed into my head tonight. After watching episode 7 of Grey's Anatomy (Season 2 mind you), I actually walked up to M.X.'s room (after pee-ing that is) with the intention of talking to her. And so when I reached her door, I stood, listening to my own heartbeat and hesitant to knock on the door. That feeling was exactly the same, only that it's a different door. That anxiety, gosh, I HATE it. I thought for a while, thinking if this is really what I want to do. Then Chris shows up, sees me leaning against the wall he asked, "Hey, what are you doing?" "Nothing. I was just deciding if I should ask a girl out," was my reply. He said, "Well, good luck" and left. I thought for a while more before deciding that I should knock. *knock knock* No response. *knock knock* Nothing. Zilch. Great. Perfect. Excellent. Yet another door that doesn't replies. All that thinking for nothing.

Did I do the right thing? Because I know that's not exactly what my heart is telling me but do all actions have to follow your heart? No. So am I doing the right thing? Is that really what I want? I don't know. At first I thought, "Hey, I can't always wait for fate to create opportunities, maybe sometimes, just sometimes, I can take the initiative." It's like I'm drowning and while I pray for someone to save me, maybe I should try to stay afloat for as long as possible or at least grasp some air once in a while.

Maybe I just think too much.

Kenny called. Told me he was bored. As I talked to him, I realised that I don't quite like this routine and that I'd lost the meaning, the purpose, the motivation. I no longer know what I'm working for. In fact, I'd stopped working. I'm not as hard working as last semester. My grades suck. My attendence suck. I suck. I need to pull myself together. I need to fight for myself. I need a reason.

Oh, and I realised that coincidentally, all my future plans about university concludes with leaving this place. Isn't that worth pondering?

Meanwhile, tell me why do people do things they don't exactly mean. Why don't people want A but doesn't something which will result in B instead? Why?