Show me when she's yours

Sometimes I think, "Hmmm... maybe I've never actually fallen in love." Why? I'd just finished reading my buddy's blog and I feel:
1. Guilty for not being aware of what he's going through and standing by him (sorry pal, I truly am.)
2. Envious that he is/was in love

I think I'm a fucking jealous person. When I see someone with that nice top, I want. When I see someone with that gorgeous girlfriend, I want. When I see someone with that awesome car, I ALSO want. Ok, perhaps it's more of greedy then. How envious I am of his relationship. Wait. Now I think the correct word might be sour. Oh well, moving on.

Monday's shopping was rather excellent... UNTIL I saw my camp-mate at Kino. He was with this girl whom I presume is his girlfriend. She is so ideal, scoring points in every single department. Perhaps that's why I broke up with her. She's not the one. These 4 years have been wasted. I pity myself. I feel so so so sorry for myself. It'd seem mean if I'd to list what I didn't like about her (not that I'm some Saint) thus I shan't do that. This entire episode might have liberated me but I seem to be drowning myself. I wonder who would understand what I'm going through right now. I'm not desperate for a companionship nor sex. But for this special girl who'd fill my life like how champange would fill an empty glass - with frizzy bubbles that makes one high. Thus, no other wine can finish the job. Only the right champange. I yearn, I really yearn for such a relationship.

Now I don't even feel like talking about my shopping trip.

Recent matters only seem to make matters worse. I'm starting to suspect that I might not be as a productive and quality worker as what I thought I was. I dunno if it's the dry period where there aren't events for me to write about or is it simply due to my inefficiency to excel in what I was hired for. While I've never seen myself as an excellent writer, but I thought "hey, maybe I'm better than a good average of this Republic". Think again Wolfie. Think again. I suck.

I won't even touch on the Christmas eve Ministry of Sound incident.

Oh, and my super poor foundation on Politics. So poor that I'd to purchase a introductory book to prepare myself. Maybe I'm just being kiasu. But seriously, I think I know shit and that's not going to get me anywhere. I hated my poly grades. I can do way better than that. I ought to. Damn it. I fucking will.

Reflecting on this complex feeling that's in me, I'm only confused. I have way too high pride to feel inferior but yet, the above paragraphs are evident signs of inferiority complex. Maybe I am affected by my own break-up after all huh? So now we're back on the topic of relationships again huh? Fuck. I feel like a girl. Heck. You know what? Now I don't even know if I ever loved Iris. Did I felt how he felt? Was it blissful? Were we in-sync? Did we connect? Perhaps. Maybe. I don't know. I realised that I'd been reacting base on the other party's actions/feelings. Did I ran out of balls or was it a passive thingy?

I feel super horrible right now.